When I started this project I knew it wouldn't be easy. I knew I may not even finish it. I even built the likelihood of failure (my "freebie days") into the rules I set up from the very beginning. So far I've been lucky in that I'm able to say honestly that I haven't failed: so far I've managed to keep it up, to create something new every day. But one thing that's kind of obvious but I hadn't given much thought to is this: oftentimes the "madness" isn't good.
So before I get into the list of things I've produced these past few days, let me just throw something out there. I don't mean it as an excuse, but just as an observation.
One of the main reasons I decided to do this Good Madness project is because I have a tendency to not really get things done unless there's a deadline. Taking writing in college was an absolute blessing for me. Having someone demand that I write, and frequently, turning in something by thus-and-so date, taking critiques and feedback and changing things to turn them in again for reevaluation by thus-and-so other date... I got stuff done. Sometimes not until the night before the work was due - and often not until 4 or 5 in the morning on those nights - but still... I. GOT. IT. DONE. And something else surprising: when there was that level of desperation to get it done in time, to not fail or get a bad grade or whatever, astonishing things happened. I produced certain stories I had no idea were ever in me. Characters popped up out of nowhere. Phrases, sentences, whole paragraphs where I thought, Whoa, someone else has to be writing this because I have no idea where that came from.
It's fun to surprise yourself.
But now college has been over for nearly four years. I have ideas... tons of them. So many that I've got quite a backlog of things to work on. But nobody cares anymore. There's no demand, no deadline, no sense of urgency or responsibility. If I write, fine, but if not people rarely ask about it, and if they do it's more out of politeness than an attempt to guilt me into showing them something. So I don't write. Or I get lazy... instead of actually writing a scene I jot down a skeleton of what should happen in it. "I'll get back to that later," I tell myself, then never do. So I've been inventing projects to try to get that sense of urgency back. The "13 Days of Halloween" was somewhat of a success in this regard. Of the 13 stories, only about 5 of them were pre-written. Most of the time I was clacking hurriedly away the night before or morning of to try to get them posted on time. Not all of them are winners, and if I'd had them done ahead of time I might have changed the order a bit, but the point was I got them done. Some of these stories that have been wandering around at the back of my brain got recorded on the page. Some of them even spawned other forms of expression: a song, a poem, etc.
That project lasted about 2 weeks. But 52 weeks? That's something else entirely.
I think I convinced myself at the beginning that it would be like "13 Days" all year long. That the creation would always be a joy, a little dash of color added to my day. But some days, especially this past week or so, that hasn't been the case. It's been tough. I get home after a long day and realize, "Oh. I can't go to bed yet. I have to create something." Sometimes that involves sitting down with a blank piece of paper and ending up with something surprisingly delightful. But many times what actually happens is that I sit down and create junk. Like Day 40... I wrote one of the crappier poems I've ever written. I'm going to post it because it's what I created, but I don't have to be proud of it. Or Day 41 when I made a short blog post on my other blog and decided that would have to count as my Good Madness because I was too exhausted to do anything else.
So sometimes creation is fun and exciting and glamorous, but sometimes it's annoying, sometimes it's a chore, and sometimes what comes out of it is pitiful, a cop-out, or downright horrible. Still, I think creativity is something worth fighting for. It may have been tough this week, but there are several more to come. Hopefully the remaining 319 days will be a bit brighter.
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